Many of you I'm sure were aware of our hopeful "baby girl" to be.
We had a interview in Seattle with a BM (birth mother) and BF (birth father). We all seemed to connect very well, talking about our similarities, what we would name the baby, and what our openness plan would look like. In our conversations BM shared with us that she had a 1-1/2 daughter from a previous partner and that raising another baby seemed out of reach at this stage in her life. BF didn't feel ready to parent both financially and emotionally. Both parents thought that it would be the best decision to put baby up for adoption to place the baby in a household where the parents were married as well as financially stable to provide for a child.
BM was having a very healthy pregnancy, all was moving along well and she was due in 2 weeks. We left the time feeling confident, in fact BM gave me her phone number on the spot (crazy?!). Driving home our case worker called us asking how we felt, so on and so forth, she then surprised us with the comment "BM would like you to call her". Excited, anxious and nervous we called. BM answered and we had a little small talk and then she said that they wanted us to adopt their baby girl! WOOHOO! We couldn't believe it! We joyfully accepted, calling family and informing our friends, we were soon to be parents, a baby girl is on the way!
We then realized we had much to be done! We were a little prepared, but far from feeling we had some of the things that would be helpful. Blessed by the support of our family and friends in 2 weeks timing, we were "ready"....as "ready" as one could be.
The BP (birth parents) wanted to spend more time with us two on two (our case worker told us this was a good sign) so we made a date, and 10 days later we were back in Seattle, hanging out with the BP. We had a wonderful time, spent over 3 hours together, walking around Pikes Place, and enjoying a long sit down lunch. By the end of the time we still felt confident that they would place their baby girl with us, even though some red flags came up.
We got the call that BM was in labor on Wednesday evening, the original plan was that we would come up right away but after receiving the official "hospital plan" it seemed best to leave the next morning. Thursday at 5:45 am BM called to inform me she delivered a chunky quarter Korean 8 lb 15.6 oz baby girl at 1:30 am.
This whole process you want to be very respectful of BM and the decisions she is choosing to make. It's hard you feel like your walking on egg shells, and doing what you can to hold back you emotions. We got up there and waited at the hospital for their (hospitals) social worker to talk with us. Our organizations birth counselor wasn't there due to the fact BM hadn't called her (red flag).
I was on edge, nervous as all get out, knowing that this baby may or not be the baby for us. I continually had to remind myself that the Lord is with us through it all, and that He knows what's best for our lives.
The hospitals social worker came to talk with us prior to taking us back, reminding us to be very focused on BM, giving her the attention, not just going directly to baby allowing BM to allow us to hold baby. As we stood up to embark the long hospital hallway, my eyes filled with tears of joy and fear knowing that nothing was official.
As soon as we entered the room it was just BM and baby. Right away BM wanted us to hold baby. Matt and I were both blessed to hold her (2 times each). When I first saw her, those chunky cheeks, beautiful skin, almond shaped eyes, and a head full of dark hair, my heart was so full. She smelled of fresh baby skin, and was a content as could be. We spent around 4 hours in the hospital room and had wonderful conversation. Multiple times we attempted to leave to allow BM to get rest (she only had 3 hrs sleep in the last 40 hrs) she encouraged us to stay. When we did finally leave the hospital, we had the conversation that BM was being swayed by a family member to keep the baby, and try it out. After that we said our goodbyes, she gave us hugs, and said "see you guys tomorrow." We left with a positive feeling. Shortly after we called our case worker to give her an update. She told us to go back to the place we were staying and wait until we get a call from BM or Bethany to come back to the hospital.
Friday was a day like no other, you know that feeling that Santa is coming! .....well it all started that way, the anticipation & excitement, the day we had hoped to bring our baby girl home once BM was discharged from the hospital. The clock kept ticking, 9:00, 9:30, 10:00 (text messages stared coming in from eager family & friends) "nope, no word yet"..... 10:30, 11:00. Now our excitement turned to nervous. I called our case worker to see if the birthing counselor had heard from the BM, "nothing yet, you will hear from us right away". Again the time, ticking away, how many walks can we go on in a day? 11:30, 12:00, 12:30......I again talked with our case worker, the same response as before. She did say that no matter how well you feel about a placement happening, the hospital stay is the hardest part of the process. BM hormones are kicking in, emotions and such, the fact she is making a decision that is far beyond her years. That there are many unknowns and patience is key, BM can want one thing in the beginning and many changes happen throughout the stay at the hospital.We kept waiting, waiting, praying, walking, trying to not cry, tick, tick tick. Around 3:45 we received the call from our case worker, BM was "torn"- she said she knows what's best for baby. The BF really had his world rocked once baby girl was born, realizing that once she is placed with us, he would go home without the support of family and friends, for they had not a clue he had a baby on the way. This made the BM even more unsure, and had chosen to be discharged with the baby. The plan was to take baby home for the weekend, and tell the BF family, see the reaction and make the decision Monday. Our hearts were crushed, hurt in a way I don't know how to explain. We were overwhelmed with emotions, the sadness and anger we tried to control. We had our time together, stayed at the home we were at to calm down, and let our emotions flow. Our case worker said that our adoption organization advised us to go home, to wait until the news on Monday. That made my heart sink even more, giving me more doubt that we even had a chance. Contacting family and friends was the last thing I wanted to do, but we did it, knowing we needed the prayer and allow everyone to be aware of what had taken place.
I came to a place and realization during our drive home that I needed to remember the Lord has already chosen the right baby for us and we will get placed in His perfect timing and that this baby may or may not be the one. When we had our adoption training back in the fall in Seattle, the attorney gave us some of the best advice, "knees bent." That throughout the adoption process you can quickly move forward, but be ever so ready to jump back. It was such a gift for us to come home that evening well after midnight to a home that had been cleaned, filled with groceries, bouquets of flowers, cards and better yet verses from the bible that had been placed throughout. Thank you so much Dad, Patti, Laura and Jillian for your act of service and hospitality to us, you have no idea the blessing that was. After a long weekend at home, praying, analyzing and much anxiousness Monday came around. We didn't know when we would get the news, we had to wait for the BM to contact her birthing counselor. Let me tell you, you learn to do a lot of waiting throughout the adoption process, a lot.
Our case worker called us early Monday afternoon saying that the BM is still torn, and that she would be meeting with her birth counselor on Tuesday morning. I laughed when I heard the news....really God, one more day? Our God is one of humor that enjoys teaching us to become more like him, while relying on him throughout it all. Yet again you find us, waiting!
Tuesday afternoon our case worker called, I was just flat out nervous, hoping it would be the day we would have resolution. Bottom line is the BM is still torn, her family wants her to "try" to parent, and the BF family in itself has created its own story. To sum it up, she isn't 100% either way, still stating she knows she doesn't believe she can provide what's best for baby. In the end its as though she wants the BF to make up her mind, which never occurred. BM is choosing the parent the baby as of right now. In closing the conversation with our case worker she asked permission to have our books be viewed again, if we were ready, because there are BP in the system looking to place their baby. Of course we replied.
Matthew and I are going through a time of loss, but are encouraged by the family, friends and community that surrounds us. We want to thank you all for continuing the journey of bringing home baby Imlach! Please continue to pray, as we all wait together for the gift God has in the making for us!
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and consistent in prayer." Romans 12:12 This is the verse that remains on the babies room door, a reminder to us that God works all things according to his will.
An evening walk in Seattle Thursday night. The one photo from our time.
